As I began this blog, I did so with as much anonymity as I could. I suppose there are clues, or phrases, or stories which could be identitified as written by me. That, however, is not my intent. There are pieces of myself which are compartmentalized, and perhaps not even recognizable by some people as myself. As a facilitator of parenting classes and a parenting coach and caregiver of young children, people would be surprised that I am a closet smoker. It is just so gross and out of character. The people who know me in my role as mother may not recognize me if I blurt out some sort of economic or business advice.
I recognize that I am lucky in that, for the most part, my family can see the "whole" of me. My children, however, are still young enough that it is hard for them to recognize "me" apart from them. It is hard for me to recognize that part of me, too.
This blog is not about the part of me that is not the Mommy. This blog is the part that is wholly Mommy. This is about knowing that whatever advice I give to my children comes from the part of me that wants to be Mommy. And sometimes I know that Mommy wants what is best for Mommy. Or at least what I think is best. I have this fantasy life of seeing my kids all grown up and living in a giant compound together, with privacy fences and independence, but a compound none the less. This fantasy includes wives and grandchildren and a continuation of all the fun we have had as a family. Why I think that is possible is beyond me. I don't have that with my parents. I have weekly in-person visits, and twice weekly phone calls, and annual family vacation. My daily life is not intertwined with my own parents. I know I cannot have that with my children. I'm not yet sure why. I will learn. This blog is about trying to keep the mommy voice quiet so that my children have the opportunity to grow on their own, while I grow too. If I advise my child to go to college nearby to me, is that about my own desires or my child's desires? Is my advise really in my child's best interest. This is a time of life where I must not interefere to the point of keeping my children from making their own decisions. Oh my, oh my, how I am certain that I do have ideas worth hearing. Maybe my words echo in the mind of other parents.
So why the anonymity? I have blogs in other places and a twitter feed and a facebook page and a website. All of those things could help me to generate traffic here, but would take away from my ability to write anonymously. Why does that matter? Because I genuinely believe that what I am posting here will often be parts of myself, and advice from myself, which I don't want my children to hear from me. The advice may be good, but it may not be relevant to them. The advice may be good, but they may ignore it just because it came from me. The advice may be good, but may be self serving. These may be thoughts that aren't fully formed. As I have less time with my college age children, there are fewer opportunities to have in-depth conversations which develop organically...I no longer have the time with them to flesh out ideas or opinions. These are some of those thoughts. Thoughts that need more space to grow. The children are developing their own independent identities. My identity can never be separate from them. They came from me, into the world, where I began to let them go from day 1.
I realize it is difficult for them to manage this transition. It is difficult for me, but I have been letting them go, in my own way, for two decades. They have always had our home as a safety net, and they always will. For a while, I need to keep my mouth shut more than I like to. This is the best I can manage. I may not always keep my mouth shut, and quite honestly I don't believe I should, but I don't need to blurt every opinion to my children during a time when they are doing their best to live their own lives.
In other places I can talk about business, and empty nest feelings, and religion, and Buddhism, and education, and social policy, and animals. This place I save for advice I am not ready, willing, or able to share with my kids. For whatever reason. And perhaps when this stage of life is better worked through, perhaps then, I can merge this compartment of my life.