It wasn't until you got to high school that any of us really started talking about success. I guess we were surrounded by success. Attorneys, successful business people, professional politicians, major corporate officers...that is who your family is. That is what seems to show the most. We also have alcoholics, drug abusers, schizophrenics, divorce, affairs, failed businesses...that is also who your family is. Those things show, too, but people don't talk about it.
A little bit odd I guess, because your family also has members who have overcome great hurdles and are peaceful and serene, or happy and laughing, or just winging it and pleased with how life is going. People who worked hard and made a choice to not let alcohol lead their lives and to let a higher power lead instead, for decades at this point. People who were ill and became addicted to pain killers, but recognized that the quality of their life was not what they wanted and so researched and found ways and strategies to reduce pain and change activities, and be fulfilled in their choices. Divorces that ended in happiness, and couples who actually learned from first young marriages and went on to have children and lives no longer filled with isolation in their own homes. Business that ultimately didn't create income, but did give opportunities for learning and preparation for longer lived profitable retail services.
Personally, I think the things that have been overcome are more of an example of success than no encountering any challenges and just cruising along under the radar. That, however, is what I think. I don't expect my children to think exactly the same way that I think.
I was getting ready to clickity clack my way on the keyboard to tell you that I am hopeful you will create your own definition of success. I don't actually have exact hopes for you. I do think that by creating your own definition of success that you would more easily find ways toward that success. Just like when you were small and I gave you several healthy eating options, and was hopeful you would choose one because I knew if you were to choose your own food then you would likely enjoy it. That wasn't always easy though, because sometimes you chose foods that you though looked interesting, but then didn't actually like how it tasted.
I need to try again. I recognize for myself that my own definition of success changes over time, and is a little different than what I see others striving for. Some people would say that I am not very driven, nor do I reach my own potential in my career or education. Quite honestly, I am very proud of myself. My home is a bit of a mess, my finances aren't as strong as they should be, and those things aren't part of how I define success in my own life. If they were, then I would not currently be very successful in my own opinion. I can't even tell you exactly how I define success for myself. I can tell you some examples of where I feel successful and examples that have changed over time.
For a decade I felt like an extremely successful parent. I was learning what I needed to know and my children seemed to be responding. My children seemed very happy and chaos at home was limited.
For 18 or so years, I defined part of my life's success as having a relatively happy marriage with just a few bumps, but no consideration of divorce. I still have a relatively happy marriage with no consideration of divorce, but that is no longer part of how I define my own life's success. I want to, and plan on, being married for the duration of my life and am happy about it, but I don't view that as a success or failure.
I view part of my life's success as enjoying my work week as much as my weekend, and actually, perhaps even my vacations.
How are you going to define success for yourself? I started this post by saying we didn't really start talking about success until you were in high school. And now you are away at college, and, as mentioned, I seem to have been silenced. I wonder if I have given you some of the wrong ideas and I want very much to have a chance to say to you that I believe it is possible I have. Right now, you know so much that you express to me your desire not to talk about these things. I suspect you will find your own understanding.
This is what I want you to know. During high school, we began to measure success by numbers. By scores. By grades. By class rank. We all did that. It was not actually success, however. It was one measuring tool to help you get what you wanted. You wanted to go to college. I think. I hope, because that is where you are. I think that your successes in high school were the relationships you had, the involvement in your school community, your ability to help others when they needed, your huge amount of time spent playing, and some of the interesting things you learned about navigating high school. I know you feel successful when looking back at your high school career, but I wonder how you measure that success.
If I could shake my finger at you and say "listen here, young adult" and my finger would become a magic wand and you would not only listen, but believe what I said, and keep it as part of your psyche, I would say, "There is no one definition of success. Decide yours now for a little while and make sure it is matching what you are doing. When it doesn't match what you are doing, make some little tweaks to either the definition or to what you are doing. If you do that, and you are having success by your own definition, but you aren't happy, then look at your definition again. Keep your own standards high by your definition. Think about it, read about it, talk to people who feel successful, talk to people who others judge as successful, and design your own successful life." Then get out of your own way.