My children are now out of the nest most of the time. The goal has been to keep them safe, but to teach them how to keep themselves safe. The goal has been for them to be able to have satisfying, interdependent lives, living with success as they define it.
The goals of my husband and myself while raising our children are different than what our children may end up choosing for themselves. Our goals are about us. Our goals helped us to choose the ways we would be parents. That has nothing to do with what they hope for their own futures. They are in charge of their own futures. While raising them to this point, we did offer ideas, we told stories that perhaps they would learn from, we sometimes even offered advice. Ultimately they make their own choices. They might choose to potty in odd places when they are two, and we can not force them to do any different. We can only let them know where most people go to the bathroom and why. Then they choose. Perhaps they choose because of fear, or maybe they want to please others, or maybe... Maybe they choose to go into the bathroom and potty in the toilet, because it is comfortable and tidy.
As they have grown, they have made other choices. Perhaps we advised them that homework would help them understand the world better. But we could not actually force them to study. They could sit and look at their books and their minds could choose to go wherever they decided. And maybe they would choose to study, perhaps they choose because of fear of what happens if they don't, or perhaps they are looking for a reward, but maybe, just maybe... Maybe they choose to study because they find that when they know more about something, it becomes more interesting to them.
Now they are on the verge of being adults. Legally, they are adults. And now we are silenced. Mommy is silenced. Daddy is silenced. Our children often don't want our ideas, or stories or opinions. Yet we have them. Are we supposed to share? Experts tell us to back off and let them learn on their own.
So where does this learning come from? Books, teachers, friends, movies, internet, politicians, to name just a few. Why is it that a parent should not continue being part of learning.
As an adult, I seek information from a variety of sources and perspectives. I like to hear ideas and advice from people I know, people whom I have a connection to and know their background and their skills. I am lucky enough to have friends who will even offer thoughts during conversations which I have not solicited. Why can I not be friends with my adult children in the same way? What is it that makes children think parents are telling them what to do, rather than brainstorming? I hope that the best friendships I have are people who lift me higher, who hold me accountable when I am making clear mistakes, and who will laugh with me when I recognize my folly, and will love me regardless of my choices. I would like that for my children, too. And I would like to be a friend to them in that fashion.
For now, however, my voice is somewhat silenced. But my thoughts still swirl in my brain. And so my keyboard is activated.