I hope that I can silently help my kids create a perfect marriage. And yet I know I can't. Even if I knew how to make a perfect marriage for myself, that doesn't mean I know what my kids need in a marriage. I even understand that perfect is just an idea and perhaps not attainable.
When I think about perfect moments, I realize when I think about them honestly that there is some bit of imperfection. My favorite moment to idealize as perfection was a time when the kids and me and my husband were enjoying a moonlight swim off a boat, with music playing and a book to read. But it wasn't actually perfect even by my own definition. We weren't interacting or helping or being productive. If we were to live every minute as we lived those precious moments, we would be hungry and lonely. It was one event among many that was very enjoyable, to be sure. Yet not every moment can be perfect. Somehow there has to be an ability to enjoy the moments while respecting past memories and preparing in some way for the future. That is the tricky balancing act of life.
So what is it I want to tell my kids about marriage? It is a foundation for so many things in life. For finding a partner that can enhance life, have limited and maybe complementary baggage, to be able to parent healthy children, for experiencing life fully. Perhaps marriage and partners should be rationally evaluated. That, however, leaves out passion. Can passion be found among rational decisions. Maybe so. I just don't know.
I would like my children to look at marriage with some sense of sensibility. I hope they can choose partners who can act as partners. I hope they can look beyond a wedding toward how they hope to work and parent and retire and die together. Each stage of life brings unique challenges, and I hope they can choose a spouse who will work with them to meet challenges in a positive and thoughtful way. And I also hope they have partners that challenge them and add zest to living and laughter through chaos. I hope they choose partners who are kind to them and to whom they want to be kind. Isn't ironic that the age we often choose a marriage partner is also an age that we cannot yet have experienced enough things to even contemplate what our own needs could be in the future?
My own spouse has been a perfect parenting partner for me. It's a darn good thing because that is a crucial part of life for me. And yet I know we will have times in our life that we are not necessarily well suited to each other for. My partner likes to be coddled a bit when sick. I want to be alone. If either of us ever becomes seriously ill, I could see that being trying in our marriage for more reasons than the practicalities of illness. We don't relate well on that front. When we would most need each other, and have little strength for working through it, we would have to somehow use our reservoirs to deal with relationship issues. And we would.
What do I think is needed for marriage to not only last but be healthy and fruitful? I can't say exactly because every situation is different. I can give a few ideas. I don't think they are all necessary, but I think having many of these qualities will help improve the chances of a lifetime marriage of choice.
All of these things can be looked at prior to entering into marriage. Some can be changed or improved without hoping to change the basic personality of another person. Some are out of anyones control. Some are heartless and don't take into account love and passion. Likely many would make my children angry to hear. Which is why I am silent. I don't know what is best. And here goes...
Both partners able and willing to see and understand another perspective even if they don't agree.
Both partners willing to laugh at mistakes - their own and others.
Both partners with a reasonably healthy family background.
Both partners able to maintain a few long term relationships.
Both partners desirous of at least some activities apart to have strong independent personalities to add to the relationship.
Some basic agreement on how to handle making major decisions together.
A willingness to share daydreams and fears.
A willingness to accept that certain boundaries will not be crossed.
A willingness to compromise and not ask one person to always be the one to give up his or her position.
The wisdom to seek wise counsel when needed.
A desire to help others and to accept help.
A desire to actively choose happiness.
And a basically equal feeling of needing, loving, and trusting each other.
Maybe that is enough. Maybe.