I am surprised to find myself in midlife hearing friends still complaining about the damage their parents caused them. We all understand that family helps to form who we are, yet there are those who seem to use their family of origin as an excuse for bad behavior twenty years after leaving that first family home. It is something difficult for me to reconcile. Perhaps patterns of thinking and acting emerged while being raised, but if those patterns cause discomfort why wouldn't a person strive to change them? And if difficult to change, why not at least consider that other influences keep us stuck in those patterns rather than blaming someone else?
There are times I would like to warn my kids of such thinking. Alas, they are still young. They are young enough to still be financially attached to me and no matter how much I don't want those money strings to be ties that bind, I think that often they are. I can't possibly explain to my almost adult children that they are responsible for their own choices and with that responsibility they need to not lay blame at my feet for the misdeeds of my parenting. I have not been perfect. Nor have I been completely flawed.
There are times I would like to say some things to my parents about how I was raised. I am certain my children have some thoughts on how their childhood could have been different. I wonder if by writing a letter to my own parents, if my children could see their middle age selves and let go of baggage before taking the trip from young adulthood to middle age.
"Dear Mom and Dad,
You provided for me an almost idyllic childhood, yet I didn't feel protected. I know that was not your intent. I know that you tried to insulate me from fear, but I still felt it. As an adult, sometimes I am afraid something bad could happen but I won't know about it. Sometimes I wish I could blame you. But I have been as in control of my life as I know how to be and if I am afraid, that is my responsibility. I see that there is no problem that can't be overcome and if I haven't changed my thoughts then that is not because of years I spent with you.
As a child, I know you tried to show us your belief that we could do anything by not butting in too much. Yet, as an adult I wish you would butt in more. Sometimes I think I butt into my childrens' lives too much in an effort to compensate for feeling like I don't get enough advice from you. I want you to know that I don't blame you for my own actions in that regard. I do understand your intentions and I am grateful.
I am so glad that you love me unconditionally, yet I wish beyond words that you could recognize me as a whole rather than just my role in our family. Sometimes I feel unknown by you. I know, however, that who I was at two still resides inside of me and I know you know the core of who I am. Thank you for that. I hope to know more and more about you outside your role as parent as we all age. I hope you will let me. At the same time, I hope I don't act too much as friend over parent in an attempt to know and be known by my own kids.
I don't believe you were perfect. I don't. I saw you as perfect for many years and measured myself by that yardstick. It was a difficult standard to measure up to and one you never purposefully set. It was there. I occasionally hear your self doubt, but very rarely. I hear my own self doubt creep in from time to time, but I listen to that doubt as a source of double checking my thoughts rather than letting it settle into sadness or insecurity.
Thank you for your imperfections. And thank you for a childhood that at times I resented and now understand when I didn't like it, I still learned.
I love you as you are. I am grateful to you. I don't need to rehash my childhood because you had reasonable reasons for actions I disagree with and perhaps I misunderstood. Your memories are different than mine, but all are equally valid and I don't need you to validate my own memories. Especially because most of them are so good. And the bad ones, I choose to forget. That choice is in my control. I choose happiness. Likely having something to do with things you taught me. "
And so it goes, one generation to the next. I can hope my children will carry forth the positive things and forgive me the negative ones. I believe it is in their own best interest just as it is in mine. Either direction.